I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
