I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
