So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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