So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
