I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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