Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
