I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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