update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have aggressive nipples.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
