Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
