whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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