I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
