you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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