Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
