Can Purell be used as lube?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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