I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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