i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
