Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
