So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
