I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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