I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize