I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my shit smells like andre
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
