I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
