I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
