I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
