1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
