I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
