Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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