In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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