we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
