saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
