so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
