I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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