Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
