Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
