Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
