My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
