So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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