I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
