what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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