They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
