I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
