I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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