smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
