Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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