Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just puked most of my soul out..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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