Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
