This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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