Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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