R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know, be my cock's hype man.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
