I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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