At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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