i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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