I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
