shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
