beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
