my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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