new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
