only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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