We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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