if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
