i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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